I would imagine that every professional hit man has a sure-fire, preferred method to eliminate their target. If I were to guess, I’d say that most of them use techniques that leave as little mess and evidence as possible. Otherwise they’d be out of a job and on the lam or in a prison.
Well, I recently wrote of my own decision to commit murder. I plan to totally annihilate The Polite Visitor. (For those of you who need to assure themselves I’m not committing a true crime, please read about the Carla impersonator here, before going on.)
I did not plan to revisit the topic of The Polite Visitor again, but my friend Pam asked me to tell her more. She wants to know the details. She says she is inspired by me. I don’t resist Pam’s questions.
She’s one of those close, deep friends that when she speaks I listen, with all my heart, because her interest is always for my good.
So she asks, How are you going to kill her? That got me thinking. How AM I doing this? What are the techniques, the sure-fire methods that will eliminate this imposter Carla from ever taking over my life again?
The answer is… I’m not sure. However, I’m looking at my life since making my decision to get rid of The Polite Visitor and there is some transformation beginning to happen already. Happily, some of it is clean, not messy at all. For example, I’m observing people in my life, to learn from them about how to behave as an honored guest, rather than as a polite visitor.
We were having coffee at Coffee Bean. It’d been a couple of years since we’ve really talked, so we were catching up pretty intensely about writing and life. Then this woman approaches and asks us a personal question: do we live in the area? I felt funky, intruded upon and even a little violated. Normally my knee jerk Polite Visitor reaction to these intrusions is to allow them and respond to their questions, no matter how uncomfortable I feel.
But the truth, the bottom, bottom, BOTTOM line truth is this: NO stranger has the right to any of my personal information! Obvious to you, yes. But not to the Polite Visitor.
Anyway, this time I was different. Instead of just letting my knee jerk, I sat back and watched Phil.
One thing I know about him: he has great boundaries. He did not respond rudely or with offense. He asked her a question instead. Why do you want to know?
She answered. She was selling something. He politely said, “No thank you,” and turned all of his attention back to me. She was dismissed. Royally. It was pretty cool. And there was no mess, because all I had to do was observe, learning by his example.
So my next step will be to practice not answering questions from strangers.
I can do that.
Painfully, there is other stuff going on that is not so clean. In fact, it is quite messy. But I kind of expected it. You see, right after I made that decision to go after The Polite Visitor, I went to God, to get to the root source of this persona. Where from hell did it come from? (I knew it came from hell, because Polite Visitor is loaded with accusation.)
And He showed me. He showed me. He showed me an incident in my life when I was four and how after that incident, my life was entwined with lies. Lies like, I don’t belong, or I’m taking up space, OR If I’m not careful I’ll get “kicked out.”
But seeing the root source of The Polite Visitor isn’t the messy part. No.
The messy part is the grief. And I knew it was coming.
The truth is that much of the loss in my life could have been prevented if I hadn’t shut down and shut up into Polite Visitor mode. I even let that persona take over when my very own life and all that I cared about was at stake.
So I’m grieving right now. Maybe I’ll talk about the details. Maybe I won’t. I don’t know. But what I do know is that the grief is worth it, because what I lost was precious to me. So I’ll grieve. I’ll let it have its course, because I know that with grief comes a very special gift.
Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted.
Joy is coming.
Do you have a question for me? Write it in the REPLY box and post it to me in the Comments section!
Carla Porter writes, sings, designs architectural interiors and loves God, all in Los Angeles, California.
© 2013, Carla Porter and Whisper of Grace, all rights reserved.